This entry is about editing a fiction text with advice from famous authors - in three easy steps. It all started with Kurt Vonnegut, also a long time ago, when I first stumbled upon his famous ban of semi-colons in literature. What he said is: "First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."
A few weeks ago I read that F. Scott Fitzgerald also had a strong opinion, in his case with exclamation points. 'One should never use exclamation points in writing, he says, it is like laughing at your own joke.'
And here I got really curious - if I spend a whole afternoon on a hunt of grammar tips from famous authors, what is the chance that I end up with no punctuation to use at all.
So here I go now. With a random piece of my own work, I will follow every grammar advice I can find, from anyone whose name I have seen on a book cover and hope to end up with fascinating turnover of the text.
Step One-the original text
Row as it can be, a first draft even, here is my Guinea pig text, ready to be transformed. It is already obvious that I wrote the text before I saw F.S.Fitzgerald's advice.
“Deadly” reverberated in my thoughts. My throat dried out and it felt as if it got clogged by a large stone. My heart stared beating wildly shaking my whole body beneath that stone. The one and only thing I shouted in support of my more than favorite player was something lethal. I only wanted to share my faith in him but it appears that I spoiled everything. He must have had his state of mind calm and focused, hearing me shout “you can do it” probably got him very angry on top of all other obvious harm it did. So he thought, it meant that I think he is desperately doomed to lose the match… which it apparently does… But I didn’t know – I tried to defend myself, hugging my knees to my chest. My intentions were good. I felt an urge to hide myself, to sink deep into the ground. So, so bad! I didn’t deserve to be in this hall. Such a silly mistake, I was so damn stupid! I felt like crying – lifted my head to throw a brief glance at the court where Rene placed a serve several light years out. I shook my head. I didn’t want to…I am so sorry… I will never do this again! Promise…Not that it matters… On their way back to my knees, my eyes stopped for a blink on Andy, sitting with all his back towards me. I was even more stupid than I thought – I anchored my look swiftly on my knees – why would I expect any non-verbal comfort from him, when I have just thrown in the bin all his coaching efforts with my uneducated inadequate cheering. It was ridiculous to even look his way or to remember that he nearly kissed me on the ice rink, in the hallucinations of my badly hit head two days ago.
Step two - Filling up my bag with tools
So far so good, I already have two valuable editing tools, what else is out there?
“The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” - Stephen King
Well this sounds quite soft and ambiguous compared to the crude determination of the former two advices, but I will take it binary. No adverbs what so ever.
Now, I must admit, I loosened up my criteria here, as the next one is a name I have not personally seen on a book cover. The aim justifies the means, I shall be sure, especially when grammar advices are rather scarce.
"Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting." - Jonathan Franzen
No fancy verbs. Copy that.
"I have the words already. What I am seeking is the perfect order of words in the sentence." -James Joyce
This one is my favourite so far, and that`s only for not telling me "don`t do that".
So now is a good time to gather it all together and get back to the Guinea pig text. And when the laborious, weary editing job is done with best use of what I have, I will be out to search for more, unless result is already genius.
step three
Time to take out all semi-colons, exclamation points, adverbs, fancy verbs and then shuffle.
“Deadly” echoed in my thoughts. My throat went dry and it felt as if it got blocked by a large stone. My heart stared hammering, my whole body beneath that stone was shaking. The one and only thing I shouted in support of my more than favorite player was something lethal. I only wanted to share my faith in him but it looks like I messed everything up. He must have had his state of mind calm and focused, hearing me shout “you can do it” probably got him angry on top of all other obvious harm it did. So he thought, it meant that I think he is doomed to lose the match… which it does… But I didn’t know – I tried to defend myself, hugging my knees to my chest. My intentions were good. I felt an urge to hide myself, to sink deep into the ground. Bad. I didn’t deserve to be in this hall. Such a silly mistake, I was damn stupid. I felt like crying – lifted my head to look at the court where Rene placed a serve several light years out. I shook my head. I didn’t want to…I am sorry… I will not do this again. Promise…Not that it matters… On their way back to my knees, my eyes stopped for a blink on Andy, sitting with all his back towards me. I was even more stupid than I thought – I anchored my look swiftly on my knees – why would I expect any non-verbal comfort from him, when I have just thrown in the bin all his coaching efforts with my uneducated inadequate cheering. It was ridiculous to even look his way or to remember that he kissed me on the ice rink, in the hallucinations of my unconscious head two days ago.
Not bad at all. I only miss some of the adverbs clauses. It could actually be true that less grammar means more story. I will also be happy to hear your opinion on before and after.
Warm thanks to Evan from https://wordsbyevanporter.com/ where I found the original guiding from some of the giants.